A letter from John McHenry to William Nevins
showing the humor and love they shared in their service of the King

SIR:-In exercising the manly, fair and just and dignifying right of saying what I please, to whom I please and under any form which pleases me, I cannot indulge you with an apology for occasioning the trouble of reading this letter. In fact, having your interest solely at heart, I feel irresistibly urged to lay before you a plain statement of facts, which it is hoped, will greatly influence your future behavior. You have lately received an anonymous communication on the subject of pastoral conduct and conversation. Knowing your extreme sensitiveness, I am satisfied that the said anonymous letter has produced the desired effect, and its influence has been stronger on account of the irresponsibility of its author. Encouraged by his success, finding you so sensible of your own faults and so willing to amend them, and, withal, so excitable by anything without a name, I have felt it to be my duty, or rather my pleasure, to lay before you a short list of a very few of the excessively great and numerous grievances under which we have all been suffering since your arrival amongst us. Weigh them well, relieve us from them, or cease to hope for a full congregation. For this is the alternative, unless indeed you succeed in making us in all things just as you are yourself. We would much rather make you like one of us. 

But to proceed to the important business in hand. In the first place, neither of your predecessors ever ascended the pulpit by the stairs which you most vexatiously and perseveringly use, but always mounted the eastern flight. It does not matter at all that there were then two gates as well as doors to the church and that the parsonage house was on the east of the eastern gate. This contravention of established custom evinces on your part, a spirit of innovation and a virtual condemnation of the founders of our church, by a refusal to walk in their footsteps. Secondly, we are at the expense of furnishing all the pulpit decorating, it would be becoming in you to consider this and avoid such continual pounding, whilst in the heat and fury of discourse, as necessarily wears the napping off. Under this head I would also condemn the unnatural elevation of your head, in your fervent moods, when the features are distorted horribly, and the throat and windpipe so contracted that the hottest words can scarcely burn their way out. That handkerchief, besides, gives you and us a great deal of trouble and uneasiness, I think you had better wipe your face and blow your nose at home, or let the sexton stand by to hold this part of your sermon. Duplicates of your slip of notes, would be desirable, for then Mr. Meredith's little son would not have the trouble of picking them up so often. Besides he may be absent from Church Sometimes, and then it would be very unseemly undignified in you to leave the pulpit to pick up a scrap of paper.

You have no right to object to any attitude which may be preferred by the several members of your congregation. Immemorial usage has established the privilege of the people to stand, sit, loll, lounge, talk, laugh and sleep during service. My advice, on this subject, is that you preach very short sermons, say 15 minutes; for time must be given to all to remark upon the occurrences of the day and past week, the changes which fashion has brought about, the good and bad bargains made and perhaps to drive one if opportunity permits, the new lamps, the last prayer meeting, etc. Now not more than ten minutes will be required for this part of divine service; five, of course will be left for the preacher, during which he ought to be very active and interesting, or else never complain of the people holding down their heads. Why, sir, within the recollection of many of us, in this very church, after the text and division of the discourse, there were always more heads down than up. Five minutes are a very long time, sir, particularly if the week has been a busy one. Many of us are up late at balls, plays, cards etc., and find a little slumber, induced by a well kept up monotony of sounds, greatly refreshing. The Sabbath is a day of rest to all, and this rest to which your people have the right, should not be invaded by any loud and harsh noises, by suddenly stopping to take a drink of water, (I suppose it is water under your pulpit,) or examine your notes, or by talking too seriously about sin, repentance, or damnation and the things of another life, with which, having a great deal to do here, we do not wish to concern ourselves. Those of my opinion constitute the great majority of your congregation. You are employed and are paid, sir, by the majority who have the right to dictate to you and are determined to so do, since they have found you willing to listen; and they expect to be treated according to custom with dainties and luxuries, leaving the loaves and fishes, the sackcloth and ashes to the more humble minority. We shall be always glad to see you at our houses, to crack a bottle or toss a bumper, but don’t come there preaching. You may carry your song and sanctity to the poor minority, for this we are not used to, your business is to please Man, and you are to try to please everybody. You must make yourself a very Proteus [Greek god of the sea who frequently changed form].

These few hints are thrown out for your good. If they be taken and some amendment follow them, the list shall be continued from time to time until a new leaf is turned over by you. I shall then brag most valiantly of the hand which I had in the reformation of my Pastor.

No. 1 of a series of friendly epistles.

M.