Ann Judson, part 5: Joy Comes in the Morning
After a period of discouragement, followed by anger toward God, Ann finally found peace. By the best we can figure, she was 16 years old.
(5.5 minutes)
Weeks of darkness, alone in her room
Following the sorrowful visit she had paid her aunt, Ann spent two or three weeks praying in her room. Heaven seemed like iron. As the days wore on, she grew frustrated and increasingly angry. She had begun these weeks with a deep sense of her sin, but now God was letting her see the darkest corners of her heart. She realized she hated both God's sovereignty and His holiness.
Hating God’s holiness and sovereignty
She wrote, “I thought it was unjust in Him, not to notice my prayers and my repentance. I could not tolerate the thought that He was a sovereign God, and had a right to call one person while He left another one to perish (Rom. 9:10-19). Rather than seeing that He was merciful in saving even one person, I thought it was cruel for Him to send any of His creatures to hell for their disobedience. But my main distress came from a view of His perfect purity and holiness. My heart was filled with aversion and hatred towards a holy God; and I felt that if He allowed me into heaven with the feelings I had at the time, I would be as miserable as if I were in hell.”
Not her idea of a goodness
God had pressed her to the wall, with nowhere to turn. She wanted to be saved from hell, but did not want to love this God or submit to Him on His terms. She wanted to love and be saved by a God who fit her idea of goodness and love. Rather than enter His presence, she wished that she could disappear forever— “In this state, I longed for annihilation; and if I could have destroyed the existence of my soul as easily as I could have destroyed my body, I would have quickly done so."
“Just the kind of Savior that I needed”
Then the Holy Spirit opened her eyes. Ann wrote, “But that glorious Being, who is kinder to His creatures than they are to themselves, did not allow me to remain in this state for long. I began to discover beauty in the salvation that comes through Christ. He appeared to be just the kind of Savior that I needed. I saw how God could be just in saving sinners through Him.”
It was when she began to look to Christ that the heavy burden and hatred left her mind. Now, rather than seeing God's justice as cruel, she saw how it displayed His hatred for sin and how He desired good things for the people He had made. “A view of His purity and holiness filled my soul with wonder and admiration. I felt that I could commit myself into His hands, and leave it to Him to save me or cast me away; I felt that I could not be unhappy as long as I had the privilege of considering and loving such a glorious Being.”
New heart, new desires
The pleasure she had found in parties and balls was now found in communion with God and in His word— the “sacred Scriptures were sweet" to her. “O how different were my views of myself and God from what they had been. I felt myself to be a poor lost sinner, with nothing to recommend myself to God's favor; I knew that I was by nature inclined to every evil way, and that it not been my own goodness, but God's sovereign, restraining mercy that had kept me from the most flagrant sins. My highest happiness now consisted in contemplating the moral perfections of the glorious God. I longed that everyone would love Him.”
Forgiven much to love much
In the years to come, Ann was going to be tested. She “longed that everyone would love Him,” but would she be willing to give up everything for that to happen?
Jesus taught that those who are forgiven much will love much. Peter experienced this, and so did Paul. Now Ann had seen this great salvation. Would the ministries of Peter or Paul have been the same if they had not been brought to see their sin so clearly? Ann's painful new birth was part of God's preparation for a lifetime of difficult service.
